Proudly displaying my toes on my mexican vacay...

More Pictures....

Here is a pic from Las Vegas. I was lounging pool side. Not hiding my toes at all. This was an exhilarating experience. I don't think people with "normal" toes understand the excruciating experience that some of us used to go through when we had to uncover our dirty little secrets. **Side note...please ignore the old man's feet to the right of the picture.

Also, here's a pic of my new sandals. I LOVE them. I can finally wear my toes out without being self conscious or worrying about people starring at me like I'm a one eyed monster.

Here is a pic of some shoes I bought to wear to a wedding. This isn't a good quality picture, but it makes me proud, because this was the first time I've ever gotten a compliment on my toes/feet. I love these shoes as well. :)

Pictures....

Okay, so I was very, very hesitant to post the "before" pictures of my surgery. But, I am making the leap. This is how my toes looked prior to surgery...... Be kind....I hated my feet and am still a little self conscious about how hideous they were.

This is my feet less than three months after the surgery. The swelling is minimal and the scars are almost non-existent. I am beyond thrilled with the results of the surgery. Before I would never wear sandals. Now, I jump at the chance. I don't think there has been a day in the last few weeks that I haven't eagerly worn sandals. As you can see I even got a pedicure with a little design :)


Here is another after pic.....


I can honestly say this surgery was one of the best decision I've ever made.

I discovered a secret...

So, it's been almost three months since my surgery and I have finally found the most coveted coping technique ever! I began soaking my feet with epson salt on a daily basis, and it has worked wonders!!! I am wondering why no one, including my doctor, mentioned this before. It has seriously been my saving grace. Especially after being at work all day or trying to wear heals for any extended period of time.

two months later...

Two months later and I can honestly say that going through with this surgery was the best decision I've ever made. In my 25 years I haven't made many, but this one was by far the best. I went to the doctor again today for my 60 day follow up and he was thrilled at how well my toes are healing. I still have some swelling around the knuckle on my second toe on both feet and my pinky toe on the left, but they are overall doing well. My biggest concern is the scarring at this point. I have continued to use the vitamin e oil and I massage the swollen area, but the scars are still healing. The last scab just fell off my third toe on my right foot a week ago.

My doctor said that I have to remain in flat shoes for the next five weeks, and after than I can return to wearing heels and other shoes. I have to be honest though. I have tip toed around my house in heels on occassion just to test the waters and I doubt I'll be waiting five whole weeks. I know, the doctor knows best, but seriously. I have been in flats for weeks....weeks. I have waited 25 years to go sandal shopping, and there is no time better than the present.

I actually went to the mall today after my doctor's appointment and bought a pair of sandals that I would have never considered putting my foot in prior to my surgery. I even put the shoes on and pranced around the store a little bit, showing off my toes. It felt really good not to have to go on a covert mission to try on shoes in public.

I also went out and bought new toe nail polish (here's a tip, sally hansen quick dry is the BEST nail polish I've ever bought, and I have a cabinet full of OPI, Essie, Orly, etc....the quick dry is amazing. It dries in less than two minutes, completely, and it doesn't look dull or ashy, the colors are vibrant and amazing. And, it's not expensive, go buy some).

five weeks ago...

Five weeks ago I had my surgery. These past five weeks have been the longest five weeks of my life. I've been in those surgical shoes for the past five weeks. I've worn them to work, to target, to the mall, to restaurants, and even on a job interview...pretty much everywhere. I swear I started plaster a sign on my chest that said I HAD TOE SURGERY AND I AM NOT WEARING THESE SHOES BY CHOICE SO QUIT STARRING Everywhere I went I felt like people were starring at me wondering why I would ever choose to leave the house in something so hideous. And, to make matters worse, all of my pants are altered to be worn with heels so they were all too long. I looked like a little girl in her mom's clothes. One good thing that came out of wearing those shoes was that I got to ride in the amigo at the grocery store...hahahaha. I've always wanted to ride in one, but always felt like it would be wrong to take one away from someone that really needed it.

I've had three doctor's appointments since my last post op. The first appointment I got my stitches taken out, which was very nerve wrecking. My feet were shaking like a leaf. The stitches came out fine but my toes were very bruised and beaten up. The incision site was so swollen that it looked scary (there will be no pictures of that put up here). My next two appointments were just follow ups to ensure my toes were healing appropriately.

I didn't have pins in my toes so my doctor had to tape my toes really tight. This was painful. He actually had to bend my toe at the incision sight and tape it so it held as straight as possible. The pain was so bad when he did this that I literally wanted to kick my doctor in the mouth. Each time I went into see him he did this and each time it got worse.

I wasn't able to shower or get my bandages wet for the entire five weeks. Can you imagine??!! I have never seen my feet look as bad as they looked the last five weeks. My skin was so dry and nasty and peeling that it was embarrassing.

I went back in on Thursday for an additional appointment and my doctor told me that I could finally shower and wash my feet! Yay!! He also showed me how to massage my toes to help reduce the swelling. The key is to massage the knuckle, not rub it. I guess rubbing it makes the scar tissue hard. He also gave me (convinced me to buy) this scar prevention kit. I honestly believe it was a waste of money, because the serum is only vitamin E oil that I've already been using on my scars.

So right now, I'm rubbing vitamin E oil on my scars at least three times daily, massaging my toes, and I'm back to wearing flat non restrictive shoes. I know there have been studies that have shown that vitamin e can have an adverse effect on scars, but I haven't had any issues with it. I would recommend trying it somewhere else on your body to ensure it doesn't cause a rash before putting it on your scars.

Today I drove....

It's been a day short of a week since my surgery and I was finally able to demonstrate some sort of self sufficiency. I actually got up and drove my car!! Yes, I drove in my beautiful surgical shoes, and yes, it was a bit awkward. I was hesitant to drive myself, but I had to give it a try and today seemed to be as good of a day as any. (If I sat on this couch for one day longer without getting out of the house on my own I probably would have spewed green.)

The driving itself was not too bad (although I only drove a short distance). I found it slightly difficult driving with these flat and awkwardly shaped shoes on, but the trick is to not use your toes at all. Don't even think about flexing your foot or putting pressure on your toes. Forgetta' bout it. I was able to lift my entire foot and use the middle of my foot as pressure, which wasn't too difficult. I didn't notice any changes in my reaction time or my ability to drive appropriately.

I had to walk a short distance today and that proved to be more difficult than driving. When I stand or move around for too long my toes begin to hurt from the strain. And because these shoes are so flat there is no support under my toes and I can feel my toes trying to flex or form to the shoes. Luckily I still have bandages and padding under my toes to prevent this from happening.

I am feeling some pain in my toes. It's not dyer pain that requires vicodin, it's more of a nuisance type of pain. It almost feels like I can feel my bones rubbing at the joint. I know...gross. But that is indeed what it feels like. It makes me sceeve. I'm hoping that as my muscles and tendons in my toes get stronger this feeling will go away. I've also noticed some short shooting pains in my toes, which they say is a sign of nerve growth. Let's hope all of these pains are "growing pains" and not my toes shifting or turning. I've been very paranoid about my toes healing improperly, but I can't see them yet because I don't get my bandages off until Monday.

Maybe I'm rushing things...

I just had to sit back and remind myself that I'm only three (four depending on how you count it) days out of surgery, and maybe I'm rushing my recovery. I am getting stir crazy from laying on this couch and I just want to be able to get into my car and go. I hate not being able to get up and make myself something to eat and having to ask people for everything. This ridiculous level of helplessness is causing me to lose my mind. :-{ I haven't taken a step from the couch without my surgical shoe and I have been keeping my feet elevated as instructed. But I have been sleeping on my side and I've noticed that sometimes I'll wake up and find my feet twisted and asleep due to the lack of circulation. I'm worried that this may impeded my healing process. I'm ready to be mobile again and get back to my life.

The general pain is minimal. I usually feel the most pain when I'm standing or walking in those surgical "shoes", which, by the way, are made for someone with a ridiculously wide foot. My friend so kindly referred to them as "jesus pieces". Excuse me while I laugh, ha, ha. :-| I guess they do look like some sort of ridiculous sandal though.

I still have everyone asking, "what was wrong with your feet"? I guess I did a good job of hiding them all these years after all. I guess those people will never know. I guess that is if or until I decide to post the before pictures up here.

Yesterday was rough...

I had my first post-op appointment yesterday and from the time I woke up I could tell that it was going to be an "Alexander Day" (a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day). I woke up with a splitting migraine and I was nauseous to the hills. I took a vicodin first thing in the morning to help curb the migraine pain (but of course this didn't help). I woke up at 9 so I could slowly get ready for my appointment. After shuffling to the bathroom and taking a bath with my feet hanging over the tub I managed to get dressed, but my nausea and splitting headache were still persistent. On the way to the doctor I got some coffee and aspirin to see if the caffeine would help with my headache, but of course it didn't. By the time I got to the doctor my head was hurting so bad that I was in tears and I was vomiting in the trash can. Gross.

They called me back for my post-op and I could barely stand to sit in the patient room with the bright lights on. My doctor allowed me to skip my x-rays because they'd already gotten x-rays in the operating room, and I couldn't bare the thought of standing up long enough to even get good x-rays. I got to see my toes for the first time, and let me tell you while they were straight they were not a sight for sore eyes. :-( They were swollen and a little bruised. I hated to see them like that. I know there's a healing process, but I think going into something like this you develop this fantasy that when the bandages come off it will be some sort of Cinderella Story. The bandages will come off and "wa-la" everything is perfect. Not so much.

I still have minimal movement and feeling in the toes that were operated on and they feel like they're "floating". I don't have any control of movement. I can't flex or bend my toes and forget about walking up stairs. Yea right. I have to walk up the stairs backwards because I don't have any flexibility in my toes yet. I was able to get out of the house yesterday and got to class, but I still couldn't drive myself.

I go back in a week to get my stitches out, which is exciting. I'm excited to see what my feet look like without any stitches or bandages or gauze. I am also anxious to see how my toes look when I'm putting pressure on them and they are flat to the ground. I will be sure to take pictures too.

Vicodin is amazing...

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have vicodin in my life right now. I think back to when they didn't have pain medicine and they used to make you bite down on a stick and use alcohol as an anesthetic. That's how I know I wouldn't have made it one day without modern technological and medical advances.

Here's a piece of advice for anyone who plans on having this surgery - don't wait until you feel the pain to take your pain medicine. Take it every four to five hours as directed. Trust me on this one.

Day two...

It's day number two, which was definitely more difficult than day number one. Oy vey! The feeling is coming back into my toes, which is a blessing and a curse. I can feel my toes when I try to wiggle them or move them around now, which is good, but I can also feel the pain in them. I am still taking the vicodin once every five to six hours and icing now. I am icing less often than I did yesterday. Now I'm icing for ten to fifteen minutes ever forty five minutes or so instead of every half hour. I slept on the couch last night because I couldn't find a way to lay in the bed and keep my feet propped up. My friend suggested that I get a pregnancy pillow that would keep me in one place when I lay in the bed.

The couch was nothing nice last night. I'm so used to my comfortable pillow top mattress that sleeping on the couch felt like sleeping on rice cakes. I ventured off the couch today to take a bath, which was a lot easier than I though it would be. I can't get my feet wet so I just hung them over the edge of the tub.

I've had some visitors which is nice. My friends have been staggering their visits and bringing me goodies. April came by last night and watched movies and brought me beloved Red Lobster biscuits. Although, a friend of mine (cough, cough, Tiffany) came by today with sushi for herself and none for mio. How rude. :-p Luckily for me Nari said she'd stop by Katana on her way by tomorrow. Thanks friends :-) If I keep this up I'll be shaped like a grapefruit with toothpicks for legs by the time I make a full recovery.

Surgery day!!!!

Today was the day. I finally had my surgery. I'm at home recovering now, and, so far, so good. The surgery only took about an hour and fifteen minutes. I was very nervous initially. So nervous that I had to be given medicine to relax me while I was in pre-op. My palms were sweating and my stomach was in knots. I'm not sure if I was nervous with anticipation or if it was sheer anxiety. The nurses were very calming and relaxing and reassured me that everything would be okay. I'm petrified of needles (yet I decided to get surgery? I know right?!) So when it was time for the IV my heart rate started to speed up and the nurse knew I was scared because the heart rate monitor was beeping out of control. She was nice enough to give me a numbing medicine in my vein so that I wouldn't feel the IV going in. If anyone plans on getting an IV anytime in the future I would highly suggest asking for the numbing medicine.

So, here I am. Sitting, well, laying really, on the couch with my feet propped up. I can see the tips of my toes peering out of the bandages, but I can't see anything else. All I know is that my toes are straight!! :-D I finally have straight toes. They are straight and even and when I walk in the sand my foot print will look more like a humans' and less like a sloth footed animal. The pain isn't too bad. On a scale of one to ten I would say it is a 6. My toes are still fairly numb and I have taken a vicodin as suggested. The only time I really feel pain is when I have to walk to the bathroom. I am icing my feet for ten minutes every half hour, which helps with the swelling. My left pinky toe is the only one that has regained most of the feeling and boy oh boy, it's nothing nice. It feels like someone took a sludge hammer or an anvil and flattened the bone into dust. Ouch!

But, hey, pain is beauty and beauty isn't painless. :-) I can tell you what isn't beauty, and that is these hideous surgical shoes that I have to wear. First off, they don't come in a left and a right. Just two oddly shaped shoes with no distinctive curvature or anything to distinguish one foot from the other. Oh, and they velcro. Great. The only thing that would make it worse is if they were white and and had glitter on them. When my mom had her toe surgery fifteen or so years ago her surgical shoes were white. :-} lol. I have a video of her at my birthday party at a skating rink and she was hobbling around with those hideous white shoes on. Looking back on it, it was pretty funny, sweet, but funny. If I find the video I will try to post it. :) I have been taking pictures and am still undecided if I'm brave enough to post the before pictures of my toes. Maybe once I see the results I will post the pictures. Here are some pics of my feet post-op. My toenails look yellow because of the iodine or whatever that they put on my feet. I don't have jaundice.

Nervous and anxious...

Two nights before my surgery and I can already feel my stomach twisting in knots. I'm more anxious and nervous than I imagined I would be. I'm paranoid that something might go wrong, or, even worse, my toes will turn out worse than they were before the surgery. I had a nightmare last night. In my nightmare the anesthesiologist kept trying to put me under, but the anesthesia wasn't working. Then I had a dream that I could see the entire procedure as it was happening. My doctor told me to call him if I started getting too anxious and nervous, but I'm not a very objective person to gauge my anxiety. To me it feels like I'm reasonably anxious, but my friend said, "you're so anxious that you'd think they were taking your heart out or something". Thanks for the sarcasm.

Is it normal to feel this much anxiety and paranoia over a "simple procedure"? I have never had surgery before and the thought of someone cutting into me kind of makes me skeeve (yes, skeeve).

I went and took a look at people's pictures from their recovery and the thought of looking down at my feet while they look like the aftermath of a brutal homicide attempt makes me wonder if my toes are really all that bad. Then I actually take off my sock (because I always wear socks no matter what) and I realize that even sutured and bloody toes with pins sticking out of them look better than these talons on their best day.

Two more nights. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep...sans the nightmares this time.

Preventative measures...

Deciding to go through with surgery was my last resort. After a lifetime of searching for corrective and preventative measures I have come to the conclusion that nothing is going to work besides surgery.

As a child my mom noticed my toes bending under and decided to seek out a podiatrist to help with the problem. Well, this proved to be fruitless since all he did was give me some orthodic inserts that were supposed to "help correct the problem". All I remember is that these half moon shaped wedges of foam that were supposed to stay cupped under my toes always ended up pinching my pinky toe and constantly shifted out of place. After a few months of wearing them I began "loosing" them, and after a few replacements my mom finally called it a wash. As years progressed my toes continued to bend and eventually became rigid and inflexible.

Throughout high school I played sports and was constantly on my feet, which only worsened the problem, and into adulthood I began wearing heels and other fashionable yet uncomfortable shoes that pinched my toes and created calluses, corns, and blisters. Medical treatments got rid of the calluses, corns, and blisters, but left did nothing for my deformed toes. After years of advice from my doctor I finally made an appointment with my podiatrist Dr. Neal A. Mozen.

My first appointment with Dr. Mozen was back in January, and as soon as I entered his office I felt right at home. His staff was friendly and comforting and honest. Dr. Mozen suggested some other "corrective measures" that didn't require surgery. I told him to stop kidding himself. I believe my exact words were, "look, I've had these toes for 25 years and I've tried it all, nothing works, let's not kid ourselves here". He laughed and reassured me that if I was comfortable with surgery then he had no problem performing it. Several appointments later and a few injections into my toe joints, which were very uncomfortable (they hurt so bad that you have to be distracted from the pain, if that tells you anything), and here I am. Three days from surgery and feeling a little anxious (in case you couldn't tell by the rambling and multiple posts this evening).

I am having my second and fifth toe done on my left foot and my second and third toes done on my right foot. They are supposed to be removing a joint in each toe and shortening them. I took ten days off work, which is supposed to be sufficient. I am supposed to be confined to these surgical shoes for a month and a half afterwards, but will be able to return to work with very few restrictions. I'm hoping that I won't have to take off any more time from work because I'm trying to save the rest of my vacation for my trip to Vegas in May where I'm officially "debuting" my new toes. :0)

The beginning...

Before you ask, yes, this blog is about my feet. Well, really it's about my toes, but they're attached to my feet so it's pretty much all inclusive. For as long as I can remember I've had these curled up talons for toes, and I have always been embarrassed by them. I grew up in a beach town and every year I dreaded the change in seasons to the summer. I knew the worst time of the year was coming for me. The time when I couldn't wear sandals, and had to find a convenient way to wear tennis shoes, boots, or some other type of full coverage shoe in the blazing summer heat.

I thought that I'd finally found solace when flats became popular. I thought I'd hit the jackpot! Finally, something fashionable that didn't require me having my claws exposed. But, inevitably I always ended up going to someone's house and needing to take my shoes off. The worst!! Imagine having to keep socks in your purse or even worse, having to fake like your feet are cold just so you don't feel bad asking for a pair of socks to wear. Invites to the beach with friends or co-workers, summer barbecues, and pool parties were always dreaded, and always met with a "thanks, but no thanks" response. Imagine hiding your toes from your significant other, scheduling your pedicures at secret times of the day like an undercover agent, or being too embarrassed to try on shoes in public, been there, done that. Really, it's that bad.

Into adulthood the embarrassment turned into pain and discomfort, so I finally decided to do something about it. This is my journey...